I first learned about self compassion about 8 years ago, when I was just starting my fellowship training in Integrative Medicine. At the time, I had already done some acupuncture and Chinese medicine training and I still believed that it was up to us doctors to treat patients rather than understanding that healing is actually mostly an inside job.
I must admit that I did not quite “get” the concept of mind-body medicine at that point, and the idea of self-kindness seemed nice but couldn’t possibly work. After all, what on earth could kindness have to do with medicine? At best, self compassion seemed like yet another way to meditate, and at worst it was a form of coddling that seemed impossibly alien to a healthcare system that relied on evidence-based interventions like pharmaceutical drugs and surgery.
Self compassion has been strongly correlated to healthy adaptive ageing
It’s taken almost a decade for me to finally realize how dead wrong I’ve been about the power of self compassion. Turns out that there’s extremely robust scientific evidence to support its effectiveness, but I had to experience its benefits firsthand before I understood what the fuss was about.
Isn’t self compassion actually kind of woo-woo?
Self compassion as a practice certainly has its roots in spiritual practices like Buddhism, but the genius of pioneer researcher Dr. Kristin Neff is that she created tools for consistently measuring and teaching self compassion. These tools have allowed scientists to assess the impact of self compassion on health outcomes ranging from cardiovascular diseases to autoimmune disorders, as well as aging, chronic disease, depression, anxiety, tobacco cessation, eating disorders, chronic pain, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Far from being mystical, or “woo-woo,” self compassion has actually become a rigorous field of scientific study with solid data describing its effects on physical and mental health, including over 3,000 peer-reviewed articles published to date.
We promote dynamic recovery from stress responses when practicing self compassion
Research shows that self compassion can help people to engage in health promoting behaviors. It has also been strongly correlated to healthy adaptive ageing, as well as lower levels of depression and anxiety in elders.
Self compassion has also been proven to be beneficial in addressing sleep and boosting physical activity.
The scientific definition of self compassion has 3 components—mindfullness, connectedness, and self kindness:
- Mindfulness brings awareness of what is happening in our bodies and minds when we are distressed or struggling. This awareness serves to shift us from our limbic (primitive) system to the prefrontal cortex (thinking) brain.
- Connectedness allows us to take a step back from our struggle to view it in the broader context of others. Stress and struggle are universal human experiences — that sense of belonging can trigger the release of oxytocin which is soothing.
- Self kindness balances out the toxic inner critic voice with an inner mentor voice that offers understanding and acceptance. Adding physical touch with a hand on the heart or shoulder can also boost both oxytocin and endorphin levels.
Self compassion practice thus represents a set of skills that serve to counteract engrained chronic stress response loops.
When we proactively engage the “tend-and-befriend” (parasympathetic) nervous system, we reduce levels of stress hormones like cortisol, while also improving heart rate variability (HRV). In doing so, we promote dynamic recovery from the toxicity of “fight-flight-freeze” (sympathetic) stress responses.
Self compassion is an inside job
For the longest time, I somehow thought that self compassion was just another way of practicing mindfulness meditation. But that’s sort of like saying that the only way to breathe is by meditating. And of course that can’t be true, because our bodies are automatically programmed to breathe in and out, all day every day.
The “housekeeping” or autonomic part of our brain has default settings that keep our lungs breathing, heart pumping, temperature regulated and so forth, without any conscious effort on our part. In fact, our breath is the only part of the autonomic nervous system that we can voluntarily control. Meditation practices often make use of this connection between the mind and body, by focusing on the breath or by moving it in specific ways.
Self compassion skills are a practical approach to regulating stress
It happens that we have basic autopilot settings for the brain as well as for basic bodily functions. The default mode network (DMN) operates in the background whenever your brain is at rest—whether you are drifting off to sleep at night or doing some repetitive task like showering on autopilot. The DMN is involved in memory consolidation, introspection, and time travel, like mulling over recent events or imagining the future. So while the DMN is thought to be where creativity originates, it’s also likely responsible for self-generated stress and the inner critic.
I’ve personally learned that self compassion skills are often more effective in dealing head on with excess emotional energy—like when Nai Nai fell down at home a few years ago. Luckily she was not seriously injured, but my inner critic/bully Milly went crazy, making me feel guilty and inadequate, as she always does. Rather than allowing her to drown me in worry and fear by default, I chose instead to practice my self compassion skills.
That meant slowing down to notice how stressed out I was feeling (Mindful). The next step (Connected) was acknowledging that I was sharing the same experience as so many other caregivers had. And finally, I placed my hand over my heart (Kind) and took two deep breaths, telling myself that we would get through this together.
Practicing self compassion skills allow us to interrupt the habitual pattern initiated by our inner bully which takes us down the path of worry and self-blame, piling on pain with the “second arrow” of self-generated distress.
I can honestly say that it took a long while for me to dial down the volume on Milly’s harsh rhetoric. But I was eventually able to identify the strong loving counterbalance through my inner mentor or mom voice. It’s still a work in progress, but also incredibly empowering to realize that we can actually acquire the skills to build neuroplasticity and rewire our default stress response settings.
Dr Em coaching tips
Imagine that your best friend or loved one is going through a stressful situation like losing their job or maybe they messed up at work. What would you say to them to help them feel better?
Now imagine that you are in the same situation as your friend or loved one. How do you talk to yourself?
Reflect on how your self-talk may be the same or different than what you said to your loved one in #1 above.
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